After my dad passed away, I remember thinking how glad I was to have him back. Weird, huh? But no longer did I have to talk about chemo, blood counts, or hospital visits when people asked. Now I could talk about my dad, about his life, legacy, lessons… and coaching! I could discuss the man he was and my memories of him, and not his health concerns.
As Mike and I traveled up north to spend Thanksgiving with my side of our family, Mike asked if I thought we’d talk about my dad. Strange as it may sound, I could imagine us not recognizing Dad’s absence so that we wouldn’t upset Nana (his mother). We expected her to be hysterical. But she wasn’t. Sadly, we avoided a “public” conversation about Dad for most of the day.
But I missed him. And I wasn’t the only one. While carving the turkey, one of my sisters commented on how Dad would’ve had a cow watching her that day. Dad used to coach her through the carving process, and this year she felt like she was hacking away it. I had to smile in agreement as I imagined Dad’s animated antics, miming the way to slice through the breast meat, and separate the joints.
I missed his silliness at the table, playing with his napkin after dinner, holding court with all his women fluttering around him, “oohing” and “aahing” at the succulent turkey, purposely mispronouncing “pecan pie” as dessert was served. My dad knew how to say a blessing, too. His deep voice resonated with awe, formality and gratitude.
I think we were all a little nervous about the evening. But our friend Charlie joined us. One of my sisters likened Charlie to tonic for he’s an excellent mixer with any crowd. I think having Charlie and Mike at dinner helped diffuse the nervousness, apprehension and tension that I think we women felt, and we had a wonderful evening with a delicious meal.
But no mention of Dad. I didn’t have the courage to bring him up or ask us to all share a memory of him. It felt like we weren’t supposed to mention the change. I hope next time we all gather, I’ll have the courage to include Dad. I don’t want to lose my dad again.